We got two showings for our house before the “for sale” sign went up on the road, and all three of those events caused not just a small amount of silent emotional retching. It all sounds so right: sell, downsize, live (way) beneath your means, hopefully mortgage-less. Reality is more like: becoming a clean-carpet-nazi, pining for telephone calls, losing my appetite and yet gaining five pounds (what’s up with that?!). It means explaining (again and again, to myself, too) that houses are made of sticks and glue, but God and people matter more. Ultimately, though, when I need to reboot my brain about how and why and where and what, I always end up at the Lord’s feet.
Psalms 71:1 In thee, O LORD, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.
The last time I sold a home, it was my sweet, small condo that I priced to the (allowable) hilt and sold on my own within the week. Today, however, it seems more a matter of waiting….and waiting…and more waiting… It almost feels like the house will never really sell, because, after all, it was built for us. I picked out all of the cabinetry, flooring, paint and door hinges. The floor plan flows well for our family, and the property is *perfect* in privacy and size. It just feels weird to think of someone else cooking in *my* kitchen or using *my* herb garden (that I started from seed. And nurtured.) I wonder if we’ll be still be here when the apples ripen on the trees. The ones we planted. And where are we going to go? Will my children have space to run and play in a safe environment? What’s going to happen to our hens and ducks and goats and dogs and cat? Will my husband be inspired by the changes? Or will he lose heart? Why would God allow us this house and open all sorts of doors to enable us to be here…and then slowly start closing them?
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
It’s been difficult for me to enjoy my garden when I feel like I’m tending it for someone else. Which of course is a blessing in and of itself, but still…
It’s also hard for me to not just take charge of matters, and do something crazy like plaster my house-for-sale fliers all over the county. I feel the need to create lists, start packing, find a rental, reserve a truck. Instead I move throughout my day almost in denial, because there really is nothing else for me to do but to just keep homeschooling, or cleaning, or serving others in my home (which is hard to do when you’re eyeing the carpet). Mostly, it’s a matter of just stepping with one foot in front of the other: change the next diaper, prepare the next meal. And underlying it all, it is about knowing that my confidence is not on knowing where the next step is, but rather on knowing the Master Pathmaker, Himself. And I do trust Him.
Proverbs 3:26 For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken.
Currently, I am just working on finishing things up. Spring cleaning and mulching outside (when it stops raining for 20 minute gaps), and completing homeschooling studies. I finished my 2009 photobook, and put together a quilt top in two days (see…the rain IS good for something). And I have projects still to complete: a thesis, two books, two dresses, a pair of knitted socks and some old photo albums to rescue browning pictures from. A garage sale and an open house to prepare for, and a six year old to practice phonics with. Honey to harvest and oil changes and writing assignments to proofread and used curriculum to sell. There is plenty still to do. Eternal work still counts more than daily details.
Ephesians 5:16 Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
Someday, Lord willing, that phone will ring with the buyer who will make our house their home. I trust God to go before, to prepare a place for us, to encourage my sweetheart and to walk with me in my days and thoughts. Truthfully, I feel a little silly even allowing ponderings of *what if’s*, but I am but a worm and God is big and gracious and I will be content taking refuge under the shadow of His wings. And, truly, there is nowhere on earth better than that in which to make my home.